Friday, September 18, 2009

is this cool?


tonight we are headed to atlanta to play with evan, our dear old friend and nextdoor neighbor from freshman year at the american university. normally when the 4 of us get together, there is drunkenness beyond belief, handjacking, and we find out things about each other that no one should ever know about their friends or any other human for that matter.

in other news: my first plant in my new apartment is already dead and is most definitely not able to be revived. i'm thinking this is a bad omen.

also: does anyone actually work fridays?

(probably not).

peace till monday my friends.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

confirmed

me and caster have no more in common than me and this creepy cat lady.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

even her name is elusive


so it's not just a dirty rumor after all! south african track star caster semenya was forced to take tests to prove she is a woman, and, well, she is just half. she has woman parts on the outside, but testicles on the inside. she also has rock hard abs and looks strange in women's clothing: look at this. which brings up my next point-- is jamie lee curtis REALLY a hermaphrodite too-- are the rumors true after all this time?!?!?!?!?!

undetermined. but caster semenya most definitely is: this proves it.

point 2: i'm wondering if more people than we realize are hermaphrodites, but they just don't know it because other countries aren't trying to take away their gold medals by proving they are male?!

point 3: my horomone testing couldn't have come at a more suspect time. i'm 78% sure i don't have testicles. tomorrow is going to be so informative.

Monday, September 14, 2009

pretty much

this was my weekend:

lately



i'm into h st- sword swallowers, mini golf, new fun bars, white people galore. i mean what more can you ask for. unfortunately, so are these murderers

Friday, September 11, 2009

all in one day?!

yesterday was kind of like the best day ever. here is what conspired:
remember when i started the AU equestrian team? well i found them again and will be riding with them at all the shows this fall in the alumni class. the team actually got pretty sweet while i was gone and they have sent people to regionals and nationals. dante can't come because he will get a boner like always. got all my horomonez tested. can't wait to find out i'm actually a boyyy.
i'll let you know next wednesday.

took this horsey to try cross country jumping for the first time. two other people fell off but zoey was a champ. soon we will be winning all the ribbonz.


registered for the birthright trip to israel. baruch atai adonai
looks like fun!

got lots of work done. talked to grandpa stan. did some laundry. played with penguins. <3

today: already off to a bad start. boss man is foul and yelling about everything. had to pay some billz. its raining a lot and my cable isn't working. have to housesit later with the snottiest cat ever. alissa forgot to shower and i can smell her from here.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

labor day realizations

1. i am indeed the georgetown cuddler :(
2. make out point exists! but i can't tell you where it is. unless you want to go there and make out with me.
3. matchbox pizza is out of this world.
4. running errands is way more fun with company.
5. i am physically unable to not scratch my mosquito bites until they bleed.
6. there are some seriously awesome trails from my house/they are creepy as the dickens
7. muenster cheese yum.
8. h street country club- whitest bar in the hoodest of hoods. fun!
9. college age boys are absolutely unbearable, although if that kid can prove he is actually related to leo tolstoy i would consider retracting that statement. on second thought, there is nothing that kid could do to prove that he is not unbearable. unless he joins sammy because i have met every one of those guys are they are all really legit.
10. it is inevitable that after spending hours and hours packing the best lunch ever and dinner so i wouldn't have to go home after work that i would leave it at home.boo.com

Friday, September 4, 2009

point 3

i keep forgetting we have monday off. this is great! here is what you would be looking forward to this weekend if you were me:

- tennis with grandpa stan. i googled tennis thinking i would find a cute innocent tennis picture but actually this lady is a lesbian tennis coach in the UK and was found naked in the bed with her also naked 13 year old tennis star. sick!

- ocean city for the day sunday.

- michelle thinks i want to see her and show her my apartment but really i'm just luring her there so i can steal her dog.

- the mortimer family reunion, minus parents, plus me.

- some boner time with dante.

- cleaning. sleeping. cuddling. figuring out how to pay for barkley's daycare once i steal him.

- barkley we are going to have such a nice life together. if you get lonely i'll dress up like tot i bet michelle and andy don't do that for you.

mom talks II

ok so pam is a little into lipstick. nbd. susie on the other hand tells my little sister (who i should mention is still less than 100 pounds) that she should just drink diet pepsi if she is hungry because it helps your hunger go away. my little sister also gets on the scale in front of my mom to show her that she has lost weight. anorexia. nbd. this, coming from the susie that when i was in 5th grade she told me i should grow some blond hair on my legs so i didn't have to shave them. i put in a request but unfortunately they don't make brown people with blond hair so i had to shave them anyway. nbd.

i guess all i'm trying to say is. mom's are nuts. nutty nutso nuts. i think it is a sad sad day when you realize your parents have faults and maybe aren't the superhuman parents of the year maybe you once thought they were. worse, i think it is sad to realize they maybe don't have the same values you were somehow raised to have but now that you are raised it seem like they somehow lost them. it's just so strange to think that we were all raised to think that we are women and we can do whatever we want and women rule (!!!) but then look at our moms: skinny, lipstick wearing, concerned with others' perceptions. so yes, santy, i feel you. our moms are a bit off their rockers, but at the same time, somehow they raised us to feel like we can do and wear and be whatever we want. and even if they can't be that themselves, at least they gave that to us.

a friday rant. nbd.

the georgetown cuddler

he sounds sweet but actually he is not: read this.

Friday, August 28, 2009

today sucks

have tickets to the skins game...but its raining and i hate everything


spilled coffee all over everything possible

haven't gone grocery shopping so i had to eat boring boring soup for lunch


have to send a letter to australia how the fuck do you even do that
kangaroos are dumb.

who are these guys anyway


this ultra professional hoodie i'm wearing is really the only good thing about today.
that and my attitude. i'd say my attitude is superbly good today.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

this is great.















i knew there were
others.

seriously, this is the best article ever:


"Sometimes you walk into Sheetz or a Wawa and there's too much to consider. How it all got here, the plastic for the lids and the cups, the tomatoes, the people who sliced them, somewhere, the beer trucks, the bakeries, the Tylenol, the warehouses, the trash, the couple having the fight outside, the smell of sugar, and meat, and milk and coffee, the electronic checkout scanners beeping tiny little signals back to the warehouses so as to most accurately resupply it all for tomorrow. It's the microcosmic story of us, the convenience people. "

Wawa: It's that end-of-Sunday feeling of sand in your shoes, bikini-strap sunburns and dry hair, the last gas stop before home, the skin around your fingernails swollen from blue crab juice and Old Bay.

Sheetz: That crack-of-dawn feeling when you're on your way to shoot at something. The way your truck looks glorious with mud on it.

Wawa: They have already-sliced apples, and ooh -- hummus, carrots, yum. They have a promotion going for flatbreads made your way. Doesn't that sound good for us?

Sheetz: Calls french fries "fryz" and quesadilla "quesadillaz" -- what else can it put a Z on the end of? (Condomz?)

Wawa: Here is Howard Stoeckel on the phone, the CEO since 2005. To talk to Wawa's corporate people is to enter a world of relentless sunshine and customer satisfaction. They want to know you, the customer, all about you. That is, if you want to be known. It seems it's always free balloons and doughnuts day in a Wawa somewhere. If you're too tired for that sort of pep this morning and just want the damn coffee, they still love you.

whoever you are hank stuever i think i love you.

shes spanish i'm american.

yesterday

caught someone bringing their own soap into the bathroom

learned about baboons on the elevator

spied another womanstache on my floor. i thought we talked about this ladies.



had an adult conversation. being 25 is so womanly. i wonder what 26 will be.

Monday, August 24, 2009

p.s.

on saturday dante got a little excited during the lesson i was teaching and one of the kids pointed it out and they all laughed at him :(

dad is the new mom.

yesterday my dad came over to my apartment and i thought he would stay for 20 minutes but actually he stayed all afternoon. i made him eat my food. he told me my mom drives him nuts but direct quote "she's ok". he fixed my internet, made my crooked mirror straight, and took the wobbles out of my kitchen table. he also drank some sprite and wasn't that mad that i don't have ice. then he told me my apartment is pretty cool and said all i need now is a boy to share it with. cute.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

don't hate

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

know what else is weird?

how much i'm blogging today.

weirdest facebook message ever

after dreaming about being in my last job last night, which was weird because it was over 2 years ago, i just received a facebook message from my old boss from said job. we've only talked once since i left there. WEIRDDDD.
here are some quotes in case you don't believe me about how wonderful these books are:

"Her kiss was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering."

"Then he almost but didn't say the two sentences he'd been meaning to say for years: part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you"

"Sometimes I imagine my own autopsy. Disappointment in myself: right kidney. Disappointment of others in me: left kidney. Personal failures: kishkes. ... When the clocks are turned back and the dark falls before I'm ready, this, for reasons I can't explain, I feel in my wrists. And when I wake up and my fingers are stiff , almost certainly I was dreaming of my childhood. ... Yesterday I saw a man kicking a dog and I felt it behind my eyes. I don't know what to call this, a place before tears. The pain of forgetting: spine. The pain of remembering: spine. All the times I have suddenly realized that my parents are dead, even now, it still surprises me, to exist in the world while that which made me has ceased to exist: my knees. ... To everything a season, to every time I've woken only to make the mistake of believing for a moment that someone was sleeping beside me: a hemorrhoid. Loneliness: there is no organ that can take it all."

<3

so i just read that jonathan safran foer (author of one of my favorite books ever- extremely loud and incredibly close) and his wife nicole krauss (author of another of my favorite books ever- the history of love) live together in park slope, brooklyn. that's you santy, right? isn't it weird to think that these two lovebirds/most amazingly wonderful authors ever wrote these things just down the street from you? you are in the midst of magically wonderfully beautiful thoughts. if you ever pass one of them on the street or in the market or something can you just ask them to please write another book because i am aching for one.

weirdest dream ever

this morning i woke up and felt like something really familiar just happened. well now i remember. i had a dream that i still worked for the washington internship program and they forgot to pay me all summer. so i called the office, which i had never thought to do before, and my boss didn't work there anymore. so i stopped by to introduce myself and see how i could get my check, and it was all these pretty young things who had somehow taken over the company and i sat next to one and i was like HI I'M JESSIE I'VE BEEN WORKING MY ASS OFF ALL SUMMER FOR NO PAY hey you look familiar are you a willer? turns out it was baby willer (hayley?) and she didn't care.

byee.

Monday, August 17, 2009

barry

i've been trying to think of a name for my car for a long time. a year and change to be exact. so finally after a lot of blood sweat and tears i have dubbed him barry, as in: the blacker the barry the sweeter the juice. with no further ado i introduce the newest member of the loutoo clan:

barry loutoo

moustaches man


well lately i've been seeing a lot of women with moustaches. i'm kind of like yeah! woman power! you don't have to shave that shit. but also- should you maybe? it's kind of gross.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

feeling great feeling good how are you

i've been a little busy. here's everything.
1. sun kil moon- so fucking good. get that.
2. met my neighbors who also went to au- sometimes we play. this whole living on my own thing is supremely wonderful.
3. got my stitches out. my toe looks more retarded now than when the stitches were in. boo.
4. susie is back in miami. it was kind of nice having a mom again. oh well there's always next year!
5. i caved and got cable. like every channel. ever. i call this year: splurge on everything you probably can't afford but it's most likely going to be ok.
6. slowly but surely decorating the apartment. it's kind of stressful being solely responsible for that but also really fun
7. i know it's a long way away but i'm thinking for my birthday this year we should go camping or something. anyone interested? it will be october but there's a 3 day weekend!
8. i got (free) preseason tickets through work to the redskins v. patriots game aug. 28 at 8pm. anyone want to come? i have 4 tickets and a few maybes.
9. can someone come home already? i miss you stinkers.

Friday, August 7, 2009

speaking of eating boogers

yesterday i was driving to dante's house for a booty call and at a traffic light i was right next to this car with a kid in the backseat. we were staring at each other and without taking his eyes off me he picked his nose and smeared it on the window.
then i realized it was alissa. that bitch didn't even tell me she was home!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

chocolatebicycle

obviously.

chainsaw massacre

clarification on my jokes. the chainsaw massacre was all my fault. well mostly. my parents' garage is full of junk including a bunch of things from my old house that i wanted to move to my new apartment. so in trying to get to my stuff which was at the back of the garage, i moved this chainsaw out of the way but actually there was no where to put it so i just put it on the ground. next day. i'm moving my kitchen chairs from the garage to the driveway so the movers can take them and kaboom i walk right into the chainsaw on the ground. by mistake i was wearing flip flops. it wasn't on otherwise i don't think i would have any toe at all. luckily it just bled a lot for a few hours but i had to finish moving. then i walked around and my toe was in excruciating pain. then susie called the clinic near our house and told them her daughter might need stitches can we make an appointment. then they asked how old her daughter was and i think we were all a little embarassed when she said 25. then i got stitches and a tetanus shot from nurse inga. did you know that when they give you stitches they have to stick a syringe of novacaine into your foot and it hurts and stings probably worse than cutting it open in the first place? susie came along and offered her hand for me to hold. i said no i think she's still mad about it. mommmmyyyy i have one again. bye.

Monday, August 3, 2009

some jokes.

what do you get when you put my foot and a chainsaw in the same room?


(stitches!)


what happens when you are supposed to house-sit two people's houses at one time?


(lots of making out!)


what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real?


(they get a beer at the white house!)

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

yesss!!!

i got my invitation to carolyn willer's wedding today!!!!
me and joanna willer have so much to catch up it's going to be great.


ok fine i'm lying. but i did loose my voice! and i went to a drive-in double feature this weekend with a-rod 8 arms! and che was the little spoon under the covers all night (gross!) but so full of love! also i cut all his ear hair off! and ate italian ice with susie! that's all! oh and the new apartment is so cute i visited it yesterday just to say hello!

<3birds.

Friday, July 24, 2009

whoopdie doodie

well. today is friday. thank the good lord. here are some updates you might have missed cause i've been so productive all week.
1. signed my lease- i get the keys on tuesday! yayyy
2. almost killed my dad. and my mom. like 64 times each.
3. che is the wonder dog and apparently is unaffected by invisible electric forces. he has stormed through the electric field and gotten shocked in 7 different layers on both the inside of the house and then outside also but apparently pain is less important to him than freedom. apparently also my mom doesn't care enough to just close the front door. she might be mentally disabled or something i'm going to ask if she can get tested.
4. going to atlanta tonight. taking monday off. whoopdie doodie.
5. interviewing on tuesday for a new job. it's competitive and intimidating so my hopes of getting it are nonexistent. but it will be a good experience. whoopdie doodie.
6. housesitting for 2 people next week. whoopdie doodie.
7. my dad is refusing to drive to miami with my mom even though that has been the plan for months because he says if they both die we won't have anyone. he is so uplifting. see point 2.
8. work has been so busy my eyeballs hurt.
9. someone caught me and dante making out and it was really embarassing. truth.
10. i've been obsessed with the nick drake album pink moon. it's beautiful. sometimes i cry about it.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


(man, it's rough working with dummies)

yesterday

i was a little busy. but here's how it went.

(1) burnt my thumb on the frosting of my pop tart. it blistered. i'm suing.
(2) saw a girl wearing suspenders. is that even legal?
(3) drove through georgetown/started crying out of excitement/being a woman is so emotional

(4) saw this bus after i stopped crying. hasn't georgetown been around way more than 12 months? or am i just way ahead of the curve on this one.

(5) installed an invisible force around the front door so che can't escape and bite people anymore. he's a little slow he got shocked like 55 times last night. i felt terrible but as skip the invisible force installer said, it's not half as terrible as i would feel if we had to put him down for being gay.
(me and skip)

(6) chip skip tanya harry.

(7) got so close to finishing the crossword in the washington post

(8) bye!

Monday, July 20, 2009

brooklyn/heaven

well i think that's all you need to know.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

peekaboo!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

yin yang

the harmony of the universe often provides something good in the face of something bad, and vice versa. so i received some good news- i will be attending a hearing in NY with the partners on friday, which means a) i get to see a trial in person which is pretty exciting and aws, and b) i get a free trip to ny to see my girls
santy

and wizard

presents, magic, and cereal are certainly in order. obviously.

next: the bad news. well it turns out that i have to prepare all kinds of memos and do all this work i've been putting off since may to present to the court on friday. oopsie daisie. i'm not sure it's even possible to finish it all. f.

Monday, July 13, 2009

water


sometimes i forget to drink it. sorry body. probably you feel like this on the inside.
minus the enthusiasm.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

dante

so handsome. so horny.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

off to a good start


6:30am- sleepingface.
6:35am- should be getting up but too tired, the next 15 minutes of sleep is going to feel sooo good
6:37am- mommy and abi arrive home from miami
6:38am- mommy locks che in my room without saying hello, where he continues to howl and throw himself violently against the door until they finish unpacking the car and
7:09am- yell for me to let him out. still no hello.
7:21am- confront said mommy in hallway on way out of shower. i kiss her hello but only through my frown and gritted teeth.
7:27am- mommy is yelling questions at me while i am in the kitchen frowning.
7:38am- trying to leave the house. this woman is driving me nuts.
7:39am- 10 minutes late. the bag full of questions has retired to take a nap. her car is blocking me from leaving. ask papa to move car to avoid a new onslaught of questions.
7:40am- leave for work. contemplate taking copious amounts of drugs and/or finding a cliff to drive off
7:42am- radiohead. highway. sigh. and so it begins....

Monday, July 6, 2009

fatlanta.

was really great. here's a short recap:

friday. god it's hard to remember back this far. i think we ate dinner somewhere? oh yeah. sushi. then we went to martini's and imax where we proceeded to get wasted and watch the imax film "under the sea". also we saw some dinosaur bones but i was sure they were fake but i was wrong as usual. then we met some friends but i was too drunk to remember anything past the imax. oops. i probably remember some blurs and the cutest puppy ever but that's about all.

saturday. spent the whole day napping. met up with friends. went to the 311 show. yes that's right, i said it. it was actually really hilarious. and did you know their backup singer/rapper guy is 52? damn, he's old. drew's girlfriend fell asleep in my lap in the car on the way home. success overall.

sunday. woke up at drew's house. hustled home. cleaned up and went to the parents house. cuddled with shiva the cutest dog ever. ate some dinner. watched 12 movies. had a really cute time.

monday. woke up early as fuck to go to the airport. back to work. no thank you.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

big girl thursday. sigh.

well i've been finding excuses all week to not talk to my boss but today i walked into work and i just did it. i told him i'm looking around for other jobs, and we had a good long talk. he offered himself as a reference, we talked a lot about what i'm interested and what options there are out there, he offered to talk to his friends from b-school and find out what they're up to, and while he fully offered his support and help if i decide to move on, he also said he would be happy to try and make some changes around here if i want to stay.

sometimes being an adult is so rewarding.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

:(

Michelle: i will start a new job and no one will know loutoo.

sad. sad. sad. my dad is from trinidad. dad.

fidel.

and ggm sitting in a tree. k.i.s.s.i.n.g.

i did a little research this morning about these two lovebirds, and actually it was just as i thought. ggm just chooses not to believe fidel does horrible things. he just thinks he's a cool dude for having an insane memory and quitting smoking just so he could ban tobacco. i get his point. and i also think writers are sort of obsessed with suffering, whereas, i'm not as much.

p.s. july?!