this woman

is amazing. keith got us tickets to see maya angelou speak at umd last night and she is just an incredible woman. not just because of her writing. every step of her life is amazing. when she was little she had to help hide her uncle willy in a basket and cover him with potatoes and onions so the white boys that rode their horses through town wouldn't find him and hurt him.

also notable, her grandma was over 6 feet tall. and her grandma told her she was going to speak all over the world and she laughed at her grandma but guess who's laughing now.

she also quoted someone else whose name i can't remember. but i was really into it:

we are human beings. no feeling can be alien to us because we are human.

feel that munoz.

EVERYTHING.

first of all: palace of wonders is seriously awesome. not only are there sword swallowers and disgustingly long balloon swallowers and pasties galore, but after the show they all just hang out in the bar and want to be friends. also donny vomit wasn't lying, he really does have a sideshow on coney island. coney island sounds so fun.

(donny vomit- is it creepy i found a picture of him?)

secondly, friday night was heavenly all around. can everyone just move back to dc because that could be every weekend.

additionally. a squirrel forced his way into my apartment yesterday morning, ran around like a mad man, tried to climb the walls, touched just about everything, and then presumably left because we couldn't find it.

(squirrels are so weird- why did he do that?!)

finally. i said goodbye to dante. he went back to his first home, where he will be reunited with his real mom. maybe they will be able to fix him, maybe they won't, but he will have a loving home and a mommy and boners so i guess that's all i could ask for. the only good news is that i have a new horse now, piper, who is pretty cute but she has big horseyshoes to fill. since she doesn't get boners i wonder what special talent she will bring to the table.

(piperponypants)

tonight

we will do EVERYTHING!!! THERE ARE NO RULES IN DC!

the good news keeps pouring in

- put on my favorite brown dress but it smells a little like mildew.
- i spied an old man in a jaguar who was smoking a cigar at 8 am.
- then he turned down the phil collins he had been blasting to shout "traffic's a bitch- totally ruins your morning!" through his window to me.
- awkwardly ignored him for the next 10 minutes we were stuck at the same light together.
- he was like 80.
- ate oatmeal for breakfast and then 10 graham crackers. moving onto soup and cheese bagels shortly.
- turns out the project i'm working on will take a few hours instead of a few weeks like i planned
- no one knows that yet but me :)
- a dante trade is in motion. my heart will ache for that cute little man but the trade prospect looks cool.
- sending susie pears and razor blades for her birthday tomorrow.

i keep trying to work

but all i can do is watch this damn video.

is this cool?

tonight we are headed to atlanta to play with evan, our dear old friend and nextdoor neighbor from freshman year at the american university. normally when the 4 of us get together, there is drunkenness beyond belief, handjacking, and we find out things about each other that no one should ever know about their friends or any other human for that matter.

in other news: my first plant in my new apartment is already dead and is most definitely not able to be revived. i'm thinking this is a bad omen.

also: does anyone actually work fridays?

(probably not).

peace till monday my friends.

confirmed

me and caster have no more in common than me and this creepy cat lady.

even her name is elusive

so it's not just a dirty rumor after all! south african track star caster semenya was forced to take tests to prove she is a woman, and, well, she is just half. she has woman parts on the outside, but testicles on the inside. she also has rock hard abs and looks strange in women's clothing: look at this. which brings up my next point-- is jamie lee curtis REALLY a hermaphrodite too-- are the rumors true after all this time?!?!?!?!?!

undetermined. but caster semenya most definitely is: this proves it.

point 2: i'm wondering if more people than we realize are hermaphrodites, but they just don't know it because other countries aren't trying to take away their gold medals by proving they are male?!

point 3: my horomone testing couldn't have come at a more suspect time. i'm 78% sure i don't have testicles. tomorrow is going to be so informative.

pretty much

this was my weekend:

lately

i'm into h st- sword swallowers, mini golf, new fun bars, white people galore. i mean what more can you ask for. unfortunately, so are these murderers

all in one day?!

yesterday was kind of like the best day ever. here is what conspired:

remember when i started the AU equestrian team? well i found them again and will be riding with them at all the shows this fall in the alumni class. the team actually got pretty sweet while i was gone and they have sent people to regionals and nationals. dante can't come because he will get a boner like always. got all my horomonez tested. can't wait to find out i'm actually a boyyy.

i'll let you know next wednesday.

took this horsey to try cross country jumping for the first time. two other people fell off but zoey was a champ. soon we will be winning all the ribbonz.

registered for the birthright trip to israel. baruch atai adonai

looks like fun!

got lots of work done. talked to grandpa stan. did some laundry. played with penguins. <3

today: already off to a bad start. boss man is foul and yelling about everything. had to pay some billz. its raining a lot and my cable isn't working. have to housesit later with the snottiest cat ever. alissa forgot to shower and i can smell her from here.

labor day realizations

1. i am indeed the georgetown cuddler :(
2. make out point exists! but i can't tell you where it is. unless you want to go there and make out with me.
3. matchbox pizza is out of this world.
4. running errands is way more fun with company.
5. i am physically unable to not scratch my mosquito bites until they bleed.
6. there are some seriously awesome trails from my house/they are creepy as the dickens
7. muenster cheese yum.
8. h street country club- whitest bar in the hoodest of hoods. fun!
9. college age boys are absolutely unbearable, although if that kid can prove he is actually related to leo tolstoy i would consider retracting that statement. on second thought, there is nothing that kid could do to prove that he is not unbearable. unless he joins sammy because i have met every one of those guys are they are all really legit.
10. it is inevitable that after spending hours and hours packing the best lunch ever and dinner so i wouldn't have to go home after work that i would leave it at home.boo.com

point 3

i keep forgetting we have monday off. this is great! here is what you would be looking forward to this weekend if you were me:

- tennis with grandpa stan. i googled tennis thinking i would find a cute innocent tennis picture but actually this lady is a lesbian tennis coach in the UK and was found naked in the bed with her also naked 13 year old tennis star. sick!

- ocean city for the day sunday.

- michelle thinks i want to see her and show her my apartment but really i'm just luring her there so i can steal her dog.

- the mortimer family reunion, minus parents, plus me.

- some boner time with dante.

- cleaning. sleeping. cuddling. figuring out how to pay for barkley's daycare once i steal him.

- barkley we are going to have such a nice life together. if you get lonely i'll dress up like tot i bet michelle and andy don't do that for you.

mom talks II

ok so pam is a little into lipstick. nbd. susie on the other hand tells my little sister (who i should mention is still less than 100 pounds) that she should just drink diet pepsi if she is hungry because it helps your hunger go away. my little sister also gets on the scale in front of my mom to show her that she has lost weight. anorexia. nbd. this, coming from the susie that when i was in 5th grade she told me i should grow some blond hair on my legs so i didn't have to shave them. i put in a request but unfortunately they don't make brown people with blond hair so i had to shave them anyway. nbd.

i guess all i'm trying to say is. mom's are nuts. nutty nutso nuts. i think it is a sad sad day when you realize your parents have faults and maybe aren't the superhuman parents of the year maybe you once thought they were. worse, i think it is sad to realize they maybe don't have the same values you were somehow raised to have but now that you are raised it seem like they somehow lost them. it's just so strange to think that we were all raised to think that we are women and we can do whatever we want and women rule (!!!) but then look at our moms: skinny, lipstick wearing, concerned with others' perceptions. so yes, santy, i feel you. our moms are a bit off their rockers, but at the same time, somehow they raised us to feel like we can do and wear and be whatever we want. and even if they can't be that themselves, at least they gave that to us.

a friday rant. nbd.

the georgetown cuddler

he sounds sweet but actually he is not: read this.