good luck exploring the infinite abyss

i just watched garden state. i simultaneously am coming down from the best weekend ever. i'm feeling the abyss really is infinite, and i couldn't be more ready to explore that.

i can't really sum up everything so here are some things you might want to know:

saturday i woke up with the worst headache ever. then i looked at my car.

later, i got bored and a big giant man wanted to make snow angels.

so i hiked across the key bridge

things were blurry and blizzardy and i almost gave up.

later, the friendly giant brought me back to my humble abode. unfortunately, barry was hiding. luckily, i knew exactly where. we had a lot of work cut out for us, but mostly the giant did that while i patted him on the back and said thank you.

the next day, work was cancelled! melissa worked her feng shuay and tadaa a new apartment.

garden state changes my life every time i see it. it just happened again. there is nothing more beautiful than life and living it and pain and love.


today we started work in the new office. without desks, it is rather challenging. but the law cannot wait, so alas, we work.

bye!

blind date

tomorrow. 5pm. happy hour.

get your pants on.

oh my god

I AM LITERALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD RIGHT NOW HAHAHAHAHAH!

guess what.

THE TOASTER LIT ON FIRE AGAIN?Q!!!!

yes ladies and gentlemen. it is true. and this time, i knew i had plenty of time to get my camera!

so here are the pictures of my toaster being in flames FOR THE SECOND TIME!

those darn crab rangoons. can't live with em, can't live without em.

ayayay.

check check check

yesterday was so important.

- got a wonderful sleigh of ghiradelli chocolate everything
- ate pierogies for dinner. you don't even know
- dropped off the ipod and the gameboy. that chapter is officially closed
- essay ran into todd. that is wonderfully weird.
- picked up my rec from an old coworker. hugged it out.
- watched jersey shore. love the guidos. can't even fake an apology for it.
- worked in a few last minute revisions to my application essays.
- finished my application to MD! YAYYYYY

peace.

woah.

this weekend was so ridiculously amazing it hurts. like literally i slept on a couch 2 nights in a row and it hurts me physically. but also i ate so much food my stomach is literally deciding if it needs to implode. but also i am still fucked up and its literally monday afternoon almost.

so anyway, it all climaxed last night when i showed up at a planned dinner an hour and a half late fucked up, but only because i completely forgot about it.

i'm just trying to say, things have been rough but in the greatest most relaxed way possible.

and then i got this sleigh full of chocolate and i'm wondering if this is my reward for having the best weekend ever. like maybe there was a contest in the world and i probably just won it.

im wondering if i bought all the right things

intensity.

tonight. wednesday. things got a little intense on macarthur blvd.

this ends in a fire. hangtight.

wanted to finish my application/essays but sometimes when i have something to do and i don't want to i just clean everything instead.

things are really clean.

finished the application/essays/took care of biznazz. to spice things up sometimes instead of saying "business school" in my essays i called it "butt4 school".

the ruins and the top chef finales were on in the same night. is that even fair?!!??!

yes.

to reward myself for watching 2 hour long shows, finishing my applications, and cleaning millions of dishes, i decided to make 2 crab rangoons in the toaster oven.

elapse 8 minutes. 12 minutes less than it is supposed to take for them to cook.

i smell a little smoke. nbd. lately my toaster has been getting a little smokey and cooking things a little fast, but i just got it a few months ago, so i figure it's just going through a tough time.

elapse 1 minute. for some reason i get nervous, so i walk to the kitchen to check on the crab rangoons, and they are in full flame. i don't mean like a little burnt. i mean the flames are taking over the entire toaster oven. its at about the point where i think i should call 911, but instead i just stare at the fire in awe.

luckily, the toaster oven comes with instructions in case of fire.


you can't read them anymore because they melted in the fire. but luckily i read them before they melted.

now my apartment smells like ashes but at least it's not on fire.

damn you crab rangoon.


now its almost 2 am but i forgot to get tired.

and i can hear my neighbors doing it. super.

bye!

i hope this is real

get well soooon piperponyface

oh gross

piperponypants take 1

piperponypants went to her first show last weekend and basically she's a superhero. here are some pictures of her saving the world/being the cutest horse i've ever seen.

i'm pretty much making the best face ever in this last picture.

a hair.

today i found one in my ranchero veggie wrap.
dag.
i tried to find a picture to illustrate my disgust but looking at the google images i almost barfed.
double dag.

update on the herb garden

it might be dead :(

more updates to come.

there is only one problem-- i am monkeyman.

ummm how do you use these stupid blackberrys anyway

too weird.

today me and my lunch buddy were walking back from lunch again and AGAIN we ran into k. this time it was unavoidable. we were walking right toward each other and clearly made eye contact. so we caught up. i was shaking in my boots (slippers) but it was really nbd afterall. what i think is weird about this though is REALLY?! TWICE IN 2 DAYS?! that is fucking weird.

today

i wore slippers to work! he he he.

hey dude

today me and my lunch buddy went to brown bag for lunch. we looked kind of like brad and melody because she has blond hair and i have brown hair. nbd. first we ran into andy, the weird guy from the copy company we use. hey dude. then in brown bag we ran into this guy chris i went to chile with 5 years ago. it seems he broke up with his chilean girlfriend and has a new one now. i don't know this from talking to him just spying on him. hey dude. then walking back to work we were talking about k and there he was. this is the 4th spotting we've had i think but i am a weenie so i don't say hi. heeey dude. do do do doo dooo do do doo doooo

ready for biznazz

i've missed you. this weekend was grand and eventful. here is everything.

1) went to the washington international horse show on friday. you can try to make fun of me but watching horses jump a wall that is 6 ft 10 inches high is hardly funny. the most amazing part is that they are trying to break the world record (7 ft. 7 1/2 inches) which was set in 1983! MY BIRTH YEAR! 26 YEARS AGO! the dude that set it in 1983 said he thought his horse could have gone to 7 ft 10 inches, but that was the last round so they couldn't attempt it any higher.

2) rode as an alumni in the intercollegiate horse show at goucher. the au coach was positive i got first place, everyone was talking about how awesome i am (<3), but then i didn't place at all. bootown.

3) in the spirit of the washington international i rode piperponypants over all the hay bales and obstacles we could find. we jumped higher than ever (2 feet). that is a 2 ft increase from when i first got her a month ago. at this rate we will be pummeling the 7 ft 7 1/2 inch record in no time. watch out.

4) harses harses harses <3 sigh

5) still looking into alternative ways of living. i'm not opposed to burning my dollars and living off the land in alaska. chris mccandless did it.

here is a picture of him before he died.

6) i really really really miss you guys <3 where have you bean?!

7) sigh
8) <3
9) lylas.

frumptown

population: me and piper.

bye bye gay 25.

well my 25th year was kind of a disaster. now that exactly one year has passed since the disasters began, i can turn a new leaf, and hope this year brings better luck, better decisions, better health, better me.

so far 26 has already shown me amazing food, the best friends/sisterpants on earth, and piperponypants.

that's really all i needed. and then

i got an herb garden

(!!!)

26 is lookin reaaaaal good.

whatcha doin

(the view from my window)

sorry i called you ardi.

her hands are much bigger than yours.

these vitamins

make me so thirsty!

alissa

are you ardi?!

the cradle of humankind

this article is blowing my mind.

this american life

is changing my life.

i feel like santy just delivered all the world's gifts in one fellow swoop.


loving life right now.

and PODCASTS! WHO KNEW WHAT THESE EVEN WERE?!?!?!!?

(me).

the internet is so awesome.

<3 <3 <3

this woman

is amazing. keith got us tickets to see maya angelou speak at umd last night and she is just an incredible woman. not just because of her writing. every step of her life is amazing. when she was little she had to help hide her uncle willy in a basket and cover him with potatoes and onions so the white boys that rode their horses through town wouldn't find him and hurt him.

also notable, her grandma was over 6 feet tall. and her grandma told her she was going to speak all over the world and she laughed at her grandma but guess who's laughing now.

she also quoted someone else whose name i can't remember. but i was really into it:

we are human beings. no feeling can be alien to us because we are human.

feel that munoz.

EVERYTHING.

first of all: palace of wonders is seriously awesome. not only are there sword swallowers and disgustingly long balloon swallowers and pasties galore, but after the show they all just hang out in the bar and want to be friends. also donny vomit wasn't lying, he really does have a sideshow on coney island. coney island sounds so fun.

(donny vomit- is it creepy i found a picture of him?)

secondly, friday night was heavenly all around. can everyone just move back to dc because that could be every weekend.

additionally. a squirrel forced his way into my apartment yesterday morning, ran around like a mad man, tried to climb the walls, touched just about everything, and then presumably left because we couldn't find it.

(squirrels are so weird- why did he do that?!)

finally. i said goodbye to dante. he went back to his first home, where he will be reunited with his real mom. maybe they will be able to fix him, maybe they won't, but he will have a loving home and a mommy and boners so i guess that's all i could ask for. the only good news is that i have a new horse now, piper, who is pretty cute but she has big horseyshoes to fill. since she doesn't get boners i wonder what special talent she will bring to the table.

(piperponypants)

tonight

we will do EVERYTHING!!! THERE ARE NO RULES IN DC!

the good news keeps pouring in

- put on my favorite brown dress but it smells a little like mildew.
- i spied an old man in a jaguar who was smoking a cigar at 8 am.
- then he turned down the phil collins he had been blasting to shout "traffic's a bitch- totally ruins your morning!" through his window to me.
- awkwardly ignored him for the next 10 minutes we were stuck at the same light together.
- he was like 80.
- ate oatmeal for breakfast and then 10 graham crackers. moving onto soup and cheese bagels shortly.
- turns out the project i'm working on will take a few hours instead of a few weeks like i planned
- no one knows that yet but me :)
- a dante trade is in motion. my heart will ache for that cute little man but the trade prospect looks cool.
- sending susie pears and razor blades for her birthday tomorrow.

i keep trying to work

but all i can do is watch this damn video.

is this cool?

tonight we are headed to atlanta to play with evan, our dear old friend and nextdoor neighbor from freshman year at the american university. normally when the 4 of us get together, there is drunkenness beyond belief, handjacking, and we find out things about each other that no one should ever know about their friends or any other human for that matter.

in other news: my first plant in my new apartment is already dead and is most definitely not able to be revived. i'm thinking this is a bad omen.

also: does anyone actually work fridays?

(probably not).

peace till monday my friends.

confirmed

me and caster have no more in common than me and this creepy cat lady.

even her name is elusive

so it's not just a dirty rumor after all! south african track star caster semenya was forced to take tests to prove she is a woman, and, well, she is just half. she has woman parts on the outside, but testicles on the inside. she also has rock hard abs and looks strange in women's clothing: look at this. which brings up my next point-- is jamie lee curtis REALLY a hermaphrodite too-- are the rumors true after all this time?!?!?!?!?!

undetermined. but caster semenya most definitely is: this proves it.

point 2: i'm wondering if more people than we realize are hermaphrodites, but they just don't know it because other countries aren't trying to take away their gold medals by proving they are male?!

point 3: my horomone testing couldn't have come at a more suspect time. i'm 78% sure i don't have testicles. tomorrow is going to be so informative.

pretty much

this was my weekend:

lately

i'm into h st- sword swallowers, mini golf, new fun bars, white people galore. i mean what more can you ask for. unfortunately, so are these murderers

all in one day?!

yesterday was kind of like the best day ever. here is what conspired:

remember when i started the AU equestrian team? well i found them again and will be riding with them at all the shows this fall in the alumni class. the team actually got pretty sweet while i was gone and they have sent people to regionals and nationals. dante can't come because he will get a boner like always. got all my horomonez tested. can't wait to find out i'm actually a boyyy.

i'll let you know next wednesday.

took this horsey to try cross country jumping for the first time. two other people fell off but zoey was a champ. soon we will be winning all the ribbonz.

registered for the birthright trip to israel. baruch atai adonai

looks like fun!

got lots of work done. talked to grandpa stan. did some laundry. played with penguins. <3

today: already off to a bad start. boss man is foul and yelling about everything. had to pay some billz. its raining a lot and my cable isn't working. have to housesit later with the snottiest cat ever. alissa forgot to shower and i can smell her from here.

labor day realizations

1. i am indeed the georgetown cuddler :(
2. make out point exists! but i can't tell you where it is. unless you want to go there and make out with me.
3. matchbox pizza is out of this world.
4. running errands is way more fun with company.
5. i am physically unable to not scratch my mosquito bites until they bleed.
6. there are some seriously awesome trails from my house/they are creepy as the dickens
7. muenster cheese yum.
8. h street country club- whitest bar in the hoodest of hoods. fun!
9. college age boys are absolutely unbearable, although if that kid can prove he is actually related to leo tolstoy i would consider retracting that statement. on second thought, there is nothing that kid could do to prove that he is not unbearable. unless he joins sammy because i have met every one of those guys are they are all really legit.
10. it is inevitable that after spending hours and hours packing the best lunch ever and dinner so i wouldn't have to go home after work that i would leave it at home.boo.com

point 3

i keep forgetting we have monday off. this is great! here is what you would be looking forward to this weekend if you were me:

- tennis with grandpa stan. i googled tennis thinking i would find a cute innocent tennis picture but actually this lady is a lesbian tennis coach in the UK and was found naked in the bed with her also naked 13 year old tennis star. sick!

- ocean city for the day sunday.

- michelle thinks i want to see her and show her my apartment but really i'm just luring her there so i can steal her dog.

- the mortimer family reunion, minus parents, plus me.

- some boner time with dante.

- cleaning. sleeping. cuddling. figuring out how to pay for barkley's daycare once i steal him.

- barkley we are going to have such a nice life together. if you get lonely i'll dress up like tot i bet michelle and andy don't do that for you.

mom talks II

ok so pam is a little into lipstick. nbd. susie on the other hand tells my little sister (who i should mention is still less than 100 pounds) that she should just drink diet pepsi if she is hungry because it helps your hunger go away. my little sister also gets on the scale in front of my mom to show her that she has lost weight. anorexia. nbd. this, coming from the susie that when i was in 5th grade she told me i should grow some blond hair on my legs so i didn't have to shave them. i put in a request but unfortunately they don't make brown people with blond hair so i had to shave them anyway. nbd.

i guess all i'm trying to say is. mom's are nuts. nutty nutso nuts. i think it is a sad sad day when you realize your parents have faults and maybe aren't the superhuman parents of the year maybe you once thought they were. worse, i think it is sad to realize they maybe don't have the same values you were somehow raised to have but now that you are raised it seem like they somehow lost them. it's just so strange to think that we were all raised to think that we are women and we can do whatever we want and women rule (!!!) but then look at our moms: skinny, lipstick wearing, concerned with others' perceptions. so yes, santy, i feel you. our moms are a bit off their rockers, but at the same time, somehow they raised us to feel like we can do and wear and be whatever we want. and even if they can't be that themselves, at least they gave that to us.

a friday rant. nbd.

the georgetown cuddler

he sounds sweet but actually he is not: read this.